Commander Manders as Love Guru

I am often under the impression that most people have all these expectations of what “the perfect guy” should be like. He should kiss you like this, he should hold your hand like this, he should do this whole laundry list of things to prove he loves you more than anyone else and that you are the only thing in his world blah blah blah. I get it. The chick flick and every Nicholas Sparks novel ever written has warped the female psyche and our expectations of love.

On principle, I think that’s stupid. Your man should love you and respect you and there’s nothing wrong with being treated like a princess, but for God’s sake, you’re never gonna find the “man of your dreams” if you’re so wrapped up in all the things he simply has to do in order to make his affections count. Speaking from experience, it is far too easy to forget that your boy (and every other boy on the planet) has wants and needs and also expectations from you. The relationship is not all about you and what you want. 

Ephesians 5:22-28 says:

 ²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

 ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 

 People express their affections in different ways. Within certain parameters, just because a guy doesn’t text you every half hour or comment on all your pictures or kiss you in the rain and on the forehead (I may or may not have barfed all over my laptop) doesn’t mean he doesn’t dig you. The way the above passage was once explained to me means that if you and your husband/boyfriend/whatever are walking down the road, he walks on the street side. If a car comes, your safety comes before his. That is sacrificial love. That's the love that counts.

I’ve struggled for a long time with this concept. It used to be whenever I was in a relationship I always figured my boyfriend only did nice things or said nice things to me because I had pressured him into it somehow, that vocalizing my insecurities forced him to try to appease and assuage me. I was always so focused on making sure he knew, he KNEW, how intense my feelings were for him; like he wouldn’t believe I loved him unless I said it a million times on the phone each night.

And living like that is just exhausting. It’s okay to just believe someone when they say they care about you. I’ve struggled forever with this. But I think it just comes down to knowing you’re beautiful and awesome without some guy feeding you the lines he thinks you need to hear in order for you to stay with him. Confidence will never come in full from someone else’s opinion of you. Besides, love is about a lot more than improving body image or social standing.

I think I’m finally at a point in my life where I’m ready to love with a big love. A love that is a caregiving love. A love that has big arms. It’s not all about my feelings and making them known. Relationships are about putting the needs of another wholeheartedly ahead of your own and the willingness to do absolutely anything for someone else. If I can have that level of mutual commitment with someone, I think how often he “hugs me from behind and picks me up” will tumble down the priority list.

In short, don’t believe everything the internet tells you about how relationships should be.
Except this blog.
:D

Of Awkward Sunburns and Teen Angst

Summertime! Yes sir, my freshman year of college is officially over! I've been home for almost two weeks, and I still don't think it's really sunk in yet. It feels like no time has gone by since the last May I spent blogging in my room.

But regardless of how I feel, a lot of time has passed, and a lot of things have changed. I went from being engaged back to being single again, a lot of my friendships have shifted, and I think I changed at least a little bit personally as well. I guess all of that is natural, part of the growing up process, as it were. This last semester in particular has contained some of the best and worst times of my life thus far. Some particularly awesome new friendships were forged, all the while old connections and options have been closed off to me for what feels like forever. I'm not completely happy with how things stand in my life right now emotionally, romantically, or academically, but I spend the majority of my waking hours feeling good about myself and the choices I've made. Some days I think that's really the most anyone can ask for at nineteen.

Anyway, one of the coolest things about college is the learning experience you get outside of the lecture halls. Some of my best teachers were the upperclassmen who took me under their proverbial wings and pushed me to break out of my narrow and self-centered perceptions and either deal with my issues head-on or shut up about them completely. I had heard that you get exposed to all kinds of different people and worldviews once you hit the collegiate level of academics, but the immense truth of what I considered kind of a cliche was finally impressed on me, and I am grateful for it. Dealing with everything from cancelling a marriage to debating whether to continue in my major or not, I am extremely glad and lucky to have had the people around me that I did, or I doubt I would have made it through the year.

To that end, I still have a lot to figure out about myself and the world at large. But I think that's okay. This academic year has taught me it's important not to let pride get in the way of seeking help and guidance. As one piano major said to me in passing one day, "No one here wants to see you fail." I often have a hard time asking for assistance. I don't want to seem needy or inept. But I think I've finally learned I'll be alright as long as I'm willing to keep learning in any way I can, from whoever I can. 

Now that I've established I definitely don't know everything (not even half, probably) here are some things I have discovered so far.

1. When you are in a relationship or in some way romantically involved, your significant other should love you for -at least in part- your quirks and weird little habits. Everyone is a little bit weird, after all. In my last relationship I was so grateful that Boy liked me in spite of my Star Trek Encyclopedia and my intense music nerdiness and my ability to summarize almost every episode of Stargate SG-1. Now that I think about it, I have to ask myself, then why did he like me at all? Music and movies and literature and comic books are all passions of mine, and if your boyfriend or whoever is merely patting you on the head and dismissing the things that are important to you, then something probably needs to change. I have learned not to be prideful, but you should never stop taking pride in your dreams or your talents, especially for someone who refuses to appreciate every strange part of you, or who thinks what you love is stupid. I'm not saying you're always going to adore every trait or hobby of your significant other, but you should at least be able to respect each others' interests. A life without passion is utterly useless. And a relationship founded on dismissal or overlooking falls under the same category.

2. There are different kinds of weird. There are good, healthy types of weird, and then there are people who I believe go out of their way to make themselves seem over-the-top and ridiculous in order to be accepted or to seem impressive. In my experience, these people are not impressive, they are frigging crazy. So, if you are going to market yourself as an untouchable, unlovable weirdo, don't complain when you're all alone! You designed yourself for loneliness, so I don't want to hear you bitch about how lonely you are. Relationships are about acceptance, but they are also about compromise. If you won't curb your weird self-created fetishes or uncomfortable dinner table conversations, be prepared to deal with the consequences. I don't believe that anyone is unlovable, but I do believe its stupid and fruitless to create an unlovable identity for yourself.

3. It is always better to hurt someone a little by being honest and upfront with them from the beginning than lying (or just omitting important details) and hurting more people to a greater degree later. I have a hard time with this concept. There are behavioral habits I have that I know are bad, but instead of coming clean, I often keep the things I don't like or I know my friends will disapprove of in the shadows and pretend that I am good. So, this epiphany is one I am still working on actually implementing in my life. 

4. This one harkens back to my first point. You have passions, I have passions, we all scream for ice cream. And we should all do what we want to do, for no other reason than we want to do it. The best way I can explain this is through personal experience. The boy I was engaged to is going to school to become a pastor. I plan on going for a career in music ministry. It seemed like the perfect match. Matt would be the pastor of the church, and I would oversee the worship aspect. Breaking up with him was a difficult decision for me, in part due to the fact I used to be so sure our career paths were intertwined. But the more I thought about it, I came to this conclusion: I felt God's call on my life long before I even knew Matt existed. If this is truly the direction I should go, and I still believe it is, then I will get to where I need to be regardless of my relationship status. Having someone in your life to encourage and support you can make everything seem a lot more bearable, but if you have goals or directions for your life, then follow them for you, and not to please anyone else. Being by yourself can be scary, but there's nothing wrong with it. God did create us to interact and love one another, but He is also more than enough for us by Himself.

So. Carpe Diem, and stuff. 


A lot of things in my life have changed, and they are still changing. Today, my big brother graduated college (The ceremony was outside, hence the awkward sunburns on my fair-skinned sibling and I). If all goes as planned, he'll be getting a job and moving away before the summer is out. I'll probably be at least a little devastated when he leaves, but I'm also excited for him. This summer promises to be full of concerts and visiting friends all over the country and I'm ready for whatever is going to happen. 


In the meantime, listen to The Airborne Toxic Event's new album "All At Once." The songs have a whole new kind of grandeur and storytelling with a wider range of emotions and instrumentation. All around a solid and interesting (not to mention aurally pleasing ;D) album. So, do that. Yup.


Thanks for reading. 
Love.
MAnDers