I finished my third semester of college without any epic failage! I just invented the word failage! It’s Christmas soon! I’m home on break! Yeah woooo!

Okay. I should probably look into blogging more than once a semester, but, as per usual, life has been crazy (and I am lazy) so, lame rhymes and excuses aside, here we go.

You may recall in my last post how I was looking forward to a drama-free year without conflict or trouble.

Silly me. From rooming issues to romance catastrophes to budding new romances, things have been topsy turvy for months. I feel like I’ve gone through the entire spectrum of human emotions this semester, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I know I brought some of the sadness on myself, but I can also safely say I did exactly what I thought was right, and I have no regrets about what has gone on.
Well, that’s not exactly true, now is it. I don’t believe anyone has “no” regrets. Don’t we wish things had gone the way we planned when they go wrong? Don’t we wish we could take back the words that drove the ones we love away, even if we knew they were the words we needed to say? Don’t we feel bad about doing what’s best for ourselves if it hurts others around us? I don’t know. But instead of waxing too existential (I’m gonna go bake cookies with my mommy when I’m done writing this) I’ll just say I feel good about how things have ended up so far. Even fantastic, in certain areas :D

So, like I said, lots of changes in my life, but I’ve just come to accept that life is tumultuous, and the best you can do is hang on and do your best to enjoy the ride. This is not a new concept, but sometimes I think it’s good to be reminded of it. For instance, Tuesday I took a walk through my hometown, jamming to a sweet new playlist I put on my iPod, and as I danced through the crosswalks and enjoyed the brisk winter air, I just felt real, unadulterated happiness. And freedom. Sometimes that’s all it takes, you know? Taking twenty minutes to enjoy the simple things.

But the nub and thrust of the situation remains that you simply can’t go through life without trials. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

I have learned that no matter what happens, no matter how my heart is broken or how stressed and powerless I feel, God is still good and he is still in control. I will praise in my joy and in my despair. Which sounds a lot easier than it actually is, I’ll admit. But my God is faithful and just and merciful and I believe his steadfast love is unfailing.
Trials by fire. We can only be refined if we get burned. And to be frank (who is a pretty honest guy) I’d rather have whatever I don’t need, whatever holds me back, burned away. I mean come on, if the only thing standing in the way of yourself is yourself, wouldn’t you want to be out of your own way?

Styx put it like this: “Get up. Get back on your feet. You’re the one they can’t beat and you know it.”

In a testimony I shared with some of the girls on my floor a little while back, I compared myself to the Israelites after their exodus from slavery in Egypt. Because of their unwillingness to go into the promised land, they had to wander around in the desert for forty years. That must have sucked majorly for them, but by the time those forty years were over, they were ready for the promised land. They were ready for what God had prepared for them, and he was patient and stuck with them that whole time. I have turned wandering around in the desert (so to speak) into an art form. I’ve known, albeit somewhat vaguely, what direction I’ve wanted to go in as far as my life and future career are concerned for years, but I often choose to ignore the avenues that will take me there in lieu of what is right in front of me, or seems easier. Next semester I start a Christian Ministries major with Youth Ministry concentration. Finally, I feel like I am in the right place. The music department at my school has taught me a lot of things, and first among them is the fact that pursuing a major in music would not take me where I want, where I need to go in order to fulfill my purpose.

 
It also taught me that just because you love something, you won’t automatically be good at it. My advisor actually told me: “You’re not an A musician. You’re more a high C, low B musician.” Clearly he doesn’t listen when I play electric bass. Ahem. Anyway, sometimes, we need to push to the edges of what we consider our “maximum capacity” just to see how far we can stretch them out. For so long I have gotten by doing the bare minimum, just because I knew I could. I want to poke holes in my security blanket, to let the light of new opportunities and challenges shine in. And I definitely want to do more than just exist. I know it sounds cliche, but I want a life full of, well, life. There is a vibrance and an energy in me and I want to use it to not just survive, but thrive. It's time for me to get out of the desert. I know I am capable of more than what I do in my day to day existence, and I have made it my personal mission to become the best and most alive Manders I can possibly be.

That’s it for now, I suppose. A lot has happened and a lot has changed over the past few months for me personally, but I have come out of it all feeling excited for what will come next, with a fresh determination to never, never give up.

Until next time, here's a picture of me with Darth Vader...

Merry Christmas to Alderaan, and to Alderaan a good night!

Sophomore Slump? (More like Comeback of the Year)

Last night my roommates and I created a ruckus the likes of which I’m sure the Eisenhower fitness center has never before seen. It was brilliant. We were in hysterics, and although I’m not sure that’s the best condition for exercise, I’m totally okay with it being a condition I live in most of the time.

I’ve only been back at school for about five days, and already so much has happened. Sometimes, having so many good things happen in rapid succession makes me nervous. I worry that something bad will happen to counteract it all, or I’ll mess up and ruin everything good around me. But last night while Jazzi was trying to show Nat and myself ridiculous ab exercises, I realized something. It is totally okay for things to be going okay. I can spend the majority of my waking moments happy, even joyful. Over the past several months I’ve been dealing with and working through a lot of heavy and sometimes really upsetting stuff. But in this past week I’ve had closure, some errant loose ends in my life have been tied up, and I finally feel like I’m moving forward in God’s plan for me.

Over the summer my mom told me if you want to move forward, you have to move forward completely, leaving the door to the past shut firmly behind you. I have a hard time shutting that door. I want a fall back plan; I want to know I have other, safer options if the new things I’m trying go wrong (or just not the way I want them to). I learned this week that shutting the door can be hard, even painful, but it can be done with grace and hope. You don’t have to slam the past behind you so hard the frame rattles, but you have to be firm and trust the new direction you’re being led in is ultimately better for you and probably everyone else involved.

I feel like the next chapter in my life is beginning. I feel ready for this year and whatever it will bring. I feel ready to continue operating in the calling God’s given me, wholeheartedly. Last year I think a lot of fear (of rejection, of embarrassment, of just plain not being good enough) kept me from trying things I wanted to do. Well, in about an hour I have my first jazz ensemble audition, after which I have to go to the ice cream social to recruit for the step team, and then tonight I’m going to the first Powerhouse worship session in order to continue the process of becoming a member of their worship team.

Am I scared? Absolutely. All kinds of things could go wrong, or I could be rejected, or any number of other catastrophes. But will I let any of that stop me? Absolutely not.

There was a time when I let fear paralyze me. There was a time when I would not stand up for myself, or fight for what I wanted.

No more.

Things fall apart. People mess up. I mess up. It’s just another part of the human condition. But things can also come together. And things can go right. This semester, I think things are going to go right. 

Temples of Syrinx be Damned

It’s almost time for me to go back to school! I feel like this summer has gone by pretty fast, but at the same time, the second half of May feels like eons ago. That's a hyperbole. La.

Anyway, I’m stoked for my sophomore year and my awesome roomies-to-be and the classes I’m taking and the ensembles I’m going to be in. I know how to do the college thing now, and I’m ready to hit the ground running. Woo.

I had an epiphany today. Here’s some background for it:

In October, I will be an employee of my local school district for two years. The only legitimate, official-paycheck-receiving job I’ve ever had has been custodial work. I’ve mentioned before that this bothers me not in the least, because I enjoy the atmosphere and the myriad interesting people I have met and befriended, a more colorful bunch than the wide range of chemicals we use. I’ve learned from the job itself and from those I work with both about myself in relation to the world, and how to improve that standing. I get a lot of satisfaction from working with my hands, and I would rather dance in the loading dock while hosing down blinds than sit in a cubicle any day.

But I have learned that no job is perfect, and no matter where your employment hails from, you must deal with insufferable co-workers or customers, chaotic administration, and the pressure to meet the haphazard standards of your various superiors. This summer has been stressful for me for many of the above listed reasons, but most days I like the think the pros outweigh the cons.

That all being said, sometimes the only thing getting me through the day is the knowledge that this gig is only a step on my long-term employment journey. I’m going to school to be a professional musician, after all. Just keep going, I tell myself, you won’t be stuck cleaning (fill in the blank) forever.

But as the summer has gone on, I began to realize that I really wouldn’t mind any kind of job, from a dish washer to a pizza delivery girl, as long as at the end of the day, I got to go home to someone I loved, and who loved me. Nothing is ever as bad as it could be if you know what you’ve got waiting for you at home.

I’m going to school with the ultimate goal of using my musical talents (and biblical and religious knowledge) in some form of ministry, whether by joining a church as their worship leader, or playing on a team that tours youth conferences, or whatever God tells me to do with my life. Ideally, this would be a full-time job and career path for me, but today (this is the epiphany, so pay attention)

I decided that I really don’t care what kind of job I have. Right now, I am so blessed to be able to go to a school with a phenomenal music program and professors who are totally committed to helping me learn and grow in my calling. There is no doubt in my mind the next three years will hold untold experience for me, and I will graduate equipped to be the best musician possible. I also firmly believe that God has placed this calling on my life, and he has given me the talents I have for the purpose of serving him and furthering his kingdom.

And that’s enough. As long as I serve in some musical, ministering capacity, I could be driving a garbage truck full time for all I care. When I’m older I know I will have all sorts of monetary responsibilities, and I will make sure there are all met and taken care of. 

To quote Rush, “Listen to my music/ And hear what it can do/ There’s something here as strong as life/ I know that it will reach you” (2112, IV: Presentation).

My passions don’t have to pay my bills. So long as the bill-paying never gets in the way of my passion.

Of Awkward Sunburns and Teen Angst

Summertime! Yes sir, my freshman year of college is officially over! I've been home for almost two weeks, and I still don't think it's really sunk in yet. It feels like no time has gone by since the last May I spent blogging in my room.

But regardless of how I feel, a lot of time has passed, and a lot of things have changed. I went from being engaged back to being single again, a lot of my friendships have shifted, and I think I changed at least a little bit personally as well. I guess all of that is natural, part of the growing up process, as it were. This last semester in particular has contained some of the best and worst times of my life thus far. Some particularly awesome new friendships were forged, all the while old connections and options have been closed off to me for what feels like forever. I'm not completely happy with how things stand in my life right now emotionally, romantically, or academically, but I spend the majority of my waking hours feeling good about myself and the choices I've made. Some days I think that's really the most anyone can ask for at nineteen.

Anyway, one of the coolest things about college is the learning experience you get outside of the lecture halls. Some of my best teachers were the upperclassmen who took me under their proverbial wings and pushed me to break out of my narrow and self-centered perceptions and either deal with my issues head-on or shut up about them completely. I had heard that you get exposed to all kinds of different people and worldviews once you hit the collegiate level of academics, but the immense truth of what I considered kind of a cliche was finally impressed on me, and I am grateful for it. Dealing with everything from cancelling a marriage to debating whether to continue in my major or not, I am extremely glad and lucky to have had the people around me that I did, or I doubt I would have made it through the year.

To that end, I still have a lot to figure out about myself and the world at large. But I think that's okay. This academic year has taught me it's important not to let pride get in the way of seeking help and guidance. As one piano major said to me in passing one day, "No one here wants to see you fail." I often have a hard time asking for assistance. I don't want to seem needy or inept. But I think I've finally learned I'll be alright as long as I'm willing to keep learning in any way I can, from whoever I can. 

Now that I've established I definitely don't know everything (not even half, probably) here are some things I have discovered so far.

1. When you are in a relationship or in some way romantically involved, your significant other should love you for -at least in part- your quirks and weird little habits. Everyone is a little bit weird, after all. In my last relationship I was so grateful that Boy liked me in spite of my Star Trek Encyclopedia and my intense music nerdiness and my ability to summarize almost every episode of Stargate SG-1. Now that I think about it, I have to ask myself, then why did he like me at all? Music and movies and literature and comic books are all passions of mine, and if your boyfriend or whoever is merely patting you on the head and dismissing the things that are important to you, then something probably needs to change. I have learned not to be prideful, but you should never stop taking pride in your dreams or your talents, especially for someone who refuses to appreciate every strange part of you, or who thinks what you love is stupid. I'm not saying you're always going to adore every trait or hobby of your significant other, but you should at least be able to respect each others' interests. A life without passion is utterly useless. And a relationship founded on dismissal or overlooking falls under the same category.

2. There are different kinds of weird. There are good, healthy types of weird, and then there are people who I believe go out of their way to make themselves seem over-the-top and ridiculous in order to be accepted or to seem impressive. In my experience, these people are not impressive, they are frigging crazy. So, if you are going to market yourself as an untouchable, unlovable weirdo, don't complain when you're all alone! You designed yourself for loneliness, so I don't want to hear you bitch about how lonely you are. Relationships are about acceptance, but they are also about compromise. If you won't curb your weird self-created fetishes or uncomfortable dinner table conversations, be prepared to deal with the consequences. I don't believe that anyone is unlovable, but I do believe its stupid and fruitless to create an unlovable identity for yourself.

3. It is always better to hurt someone a little by being honest and upfront with them from the beginning than lying (or just omitting important details) and hurting more people to a greater degree later. I have a hard time with this concept. There are behavioral habits I have that I know are bad, but instead of coming clean, I often keep the things I don't like or I know my friends will disapprove of in the shadows and pretend that I am good. So, this epiphany is one I am still working on actually implementing in my life. 

4. This one harkens back to my first point. You have passions, I have passions, we all scream for ice cream. And we should all do what we want to do, for no other reason than we want to do it. The best way I can explain this is through personal experience. The boy I was engaged to is going to school to become a pastor. I plan on going for a career in music ministry. It seemed like the perfect match. Matt would be the pastor of the church, and I would oversee the worship aspect. Breaking up with him was a difficult decision for me, in part due to the fact I used to be so sure our career paths were intertwined. But the more I thought about it, I came to this conclusion: I felt God's call on my life long before I even knew Matt existed. If this is truly the direction I should go, and I still believe it is, then I will get to where I need to be regardless of my relationship status. Having someone in your life to encourage and support you can make everything seem a lot more bearable, but if you have goals or directions for your life, then follow them for you, and not to please anyone else. Being by yourself can be scary, but there's nothing wrong with it. God did create us to interact and love one another, but He is also more than enough for us by Himself.

So. Carpe Diem, and stuff. 


A lot of things in my life have changed, and they are still changing. Today, my big brother graduated college (The ceremony was outside, hence the awkward sunburns on my fair-skinned sibling and I). If all goes as planned, he'll be getting a job and moving away before the summer is out. I'll probably be at least a little devastated when he leaves, but I'm also excited for him. This summer promises to be full of concerts and visiting friends all over the country and I'm ready for whatever is going to happen. 


In the meantime, listen to The Airborne Toxic Event's new album "All At Once." The songs have a whole new kind of grandeur and storytelling with a wider range of emotions and instrumentation. All around a solid and interesting (not to mention aurally pleasing ;D) album. So, do that. Yup.


Thanks for reading. 
Love.
MAnDers

I Beg to Dream and Differ...

You'll find no hollow lies here! Hello! After a long hiatus that I have absolutely no excuse for, here's a movie review!

Today I watched Bullet in a Bible for the first time in at least four years. It’s a live DVD of Green Day performing two shows at Milton Keynes during the summer of 2005. I guess it’s good that I can say I’m not disgusted with myself for liking it so much when I was thirteen, but I definitely have a fresh and less biased perspective on the whole event now that I’m concerned with more than how attractive I find the various members of the band.

For one, I am still impressed, perhaps even more so now that I have more actual serious performance experience under my belt, with the sheer magnitude of the show Green Day put on in that stadium. Even now, the bangs of banners crashing down and the roar of beautifully-timed and properly built-up pyrotechnics made me jump with startled delight. No matter what else any given music critic may have to say about him, Billie Joe Armstrong is an incredible performance. That’s a typo, I meant to type ‘performer.’ But now that I think about it I think it could be conceded that the guitarist and lead singer is a kind of show in of himself. There isn’t a single recorded moment where he seems to have any resentment for the crowd or the gig, or that he is getting tired from running the full length of the immense stage for the umpteenth time, or that his demeanor is a facade that might slip when he has his back turned to 30,000 of his adoring, screaming fans. If he deserves credit for nothing else, he gets a very respectful tip of the hat from me for that.

The rest of the band can’t be ignored, though. I think there is a good balance of limelight for everyone, even the guys whose names don’t show up on the inside flap of album booklets. The main focus is on Billie Joe, but during solos like the intro to “Longview” centerstage is graciously turned over for Mike to deliver the all-too-familiar bass line. I mean, Armstrong’s the front man for a reason. But credit was given where credit was due, and I think that’s important and undervalued in music.

After setting up that cute little segue, I’ll devote this whole paragraph to Jason White and how brilliant he is. Not until now did I realize how few of the songs Billie actually plays guitar on, and that number dwindles further if you’re only counting when he plays the whole number. However, I don’t think that’s a negative reflection on his talent or priorities (he delivers a fast-paced and technically complex solo during ‘Minority’ at least). During one of his brief coherent statements spliced in between clips of the gig, he stated that when a band is playing a stadium show to a crowd of that magnitude, you don’t want to create intimacy. You have to create an event. In order to do that, you have to run back and forth across the stage and dance like a maniac, and all of that just can’t be done if you’re also occupied with being lead guitarist. This is where Jason White steps in. Whenever Billie can’t (or just doesn't) play lead, Jason fills in seamlessly. He’s good. He’s the dependable backbone to the haphazard face that Billie puts on the show. There always has to be music playing to keep the show moving. Green Day seems to have found the perfect medium to keep the entertainment and musical levels of their concerts up to par.

Something that really impressed me about their little musical unit is that everyone knows their place. That may just have something to do with playing with the same guys for over sixteen years, but since I’ve been in college I’ve learned the hard way that more often than not, less is more in a band. No one sounds like they’re trying to upstage each other. Jason White can still be heard when he’s not covering Billie’s ass, but he’s just enough to make their sound full, not like it’s a competition. During ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ he only plays one or two notes a measure. But it’s enough to give any attentive listener chills. He adds a whole other layer to the sound with just a few notes. No one tries to overstep their ensemble boundaries. That’s admirable. It’s quality and intuition, not quantity and bravado that make or break a talented musician, especially in an ensemble setting. Tre and Mike both have solos and they perform them perfectly. Mostly the songs sound just like they do on the records, but honestly, if I went to a show I wouldn’t want the band to dick around with the music I actually paid to hear too much. It’s about how the material is presented, and during their American Idiot tour, Green Day had a formula that worked out just fine. There’s no overarching ego in the group. Armstrong does play God a little with the crowd, but in a position like his, who wouldn’t?

If the Milton Keynes show created an atmosphere that only translated half of its energy and enthusiasm and power to a DVD format, I still probably would have paid to experience it in person. Six years later, it seems to me that American Idiot was the pique of Green Day’s career. American Idiot was the album that broke me out of my insecure twelve-year-old shell. It taught me about punk rock and self-expression and that it was totally okay, even encouraged, to not wear a Hollister shirt and be ninety-eight pounds like every other girl my age. That album gave me somewhere to go in the chaotic pre-teen drama that every girl suffers to some degree. Although my musical tastes have expanded since eighth grade, and my opinions on music in general are a little more refined, I still believe Green Day created a rock opera with a fiercely beating heart of rock-n-roll at its center that still speaks to me today.

Now on to my negative comments. Bullet in a Bible dissects the actual gig and interlaces it with clips of the band offstage and individual interviews with Billie, Tre, and Mike. This time around, I found these to be a little disappointing. Billie Joe is inarticulate and nervous, and he always seems to be setting up examples to make some greater, grander point that he never can fully shed light on. He is most animated and understandable when he’s describing the formation of Jesus of Suburbia and the emotions that lay behind the song and the record in general. The black-and-white closeups of a stammering mid-thirties rocker does provide some perspective on Armstrong as a human being though, which is nice. There is definitely more to him than the angry little boy who disses those in political offices at every turn. He’s just a guy with a wife and kids and domestic problems like everyone else. But he’s also that godlike rock star. Maybe the reason Green Day has stayed together so long is that they don’t try to combine these too personalities, or give themselves fully over to just one. They’re the kind of guys who at least notice the irony of 30,000 people singing in unison “I wanna be the minority!” even if they choose to overlook it.

Random Observations: This probably should have been examined in the actual body of my review but Mike Dirnt is a spectacular bassist. While Billie introduces the band, Mike plays a sweet little jazzy riff that takes some serious fingerwork over and over and over and over again for at least ten minutes without once missing a beat. That takes real dedication. Maybe that’s why he looks so fierce the whole show. What he does takes a lot of concentration and ignorance of joint pain.

There’s a bit during one of the non-concert clips where Mike has a guitar and is making fun of the song ‘Maps’ by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It’s kind of funny. I just felt all indie and prestigious for finally getting what he was on about.

Yeahh. There may be a few more reviews of a similar canon in upcoming posts. Just where the creative juices are flowing, I guess.

In other news, my second semester of college ROCKS MY FACE. In the first week alone I've had several hilarious adventures and joined a super secret society! (No, not a cult)

Also: LISTEN TO ELVENKING. MOAR.

LOOKIT MY SHARK HAT.

Toodz