I finished my third semester of college without any epic failage! I just invented the word failage! It’s Christmas soon! I’m home on break! Yeah woooo!
Okay. I should probably look into blogging more than once a semester, but, as per usual, life has been crazy (and I am lazy) so, lame rhymes and excuses aside, here we go.
You may recall in my last post how I was looking forward to a drama-free year without conflict or trouble.
Silly me. From rooming issues to romance catastrophes to budding new romances, things have been topsy turvy for months. I feel like I’ve gone through the entire spectrum of human emotions this semester, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I know I brought some of the sadness on myself, but I can also safely say I did exactly what I thought was right, and I have no regrets about what has gone on.
Well, that’s not exactly true, now is it. I don’t believe anyone has “no” regrets. Don’t we wish things had gone the way we planned when they go wrong? Don’t we wish we could take back the words that drove the ones we love away, even if we knew they were the words we needed to say? Don’t we feel bad about doing what’s best for ourselves if it hurts others around us? I don’t know. But instead of waxing too existential (I’m gonna go bake cookies with my mommy when I’m done writing this) I’ll just say I feel good about how things have ended up so far. Even fantastic, in certain areas :D
So, like I said, lots of changes in my life, but I’ve just come to accept that life is tumultuous, and the best you can do is hang on and do your best to enjoy the ride. This is not a new concept, but sometimes I think it’s good to be reminded of it. For instance, Tuesday I took a walk through my hometown, jamming to a sweet new playlist I put on my iPod, and as I danced through the crosswalks and enjoyed the brisk winter air, I just felt real, unadulterated happiness. And freedom. Sometimes that’s all it takes, you know? Taking twenty minutes to enjoy the simple things.
But the nub and thrust of the situation remains that you simply can’t go through life without trials. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
I have learned that no matter what happens, no matter how my heart is broken or how stressed and powerless I feel, God is still good and he is still in control. I will praise in my joy and in my despair. Which sounds a lot easier than it actually is, I’ll admit. But my God is faithful and just and merciful and I believe his steadfast love is unfailing.
Trials by fire. We can only be refined if we get burned. And to be frank (who is a pretty honest guy) I’d rather have whatever I don’t need, whatever holds me back, burned away. I mean come on, if the only thing standing in the way of yourself is yourself, wouldn’t you want to be out of your own way?
Styx put it like this: “Get up. Get back on your feet. You’re the one they can’t beat and you know it.”
In a testimony I shared with some of the girls on my floor a little while back, I compared myself to the Israelites after their exodus from slavery in Egypt. Because of their unwillingness to go into the promised land, they had to wander around in the desert for forty years. That must have sucked majorly for them, but by the time those forty years were over, they were ready for the promised land. They were ready for what God had prepared for them, and he was patient and stuck with them that whole time. I have turned wandering around in the desert (so to speak) into an art form. I’ve known, albeit somewhat vaguely, what direction I’ve wanted to go in as far as my life and future career are concerned for years, but I often choose to ignore the avenues that will take me there in lieu of what is right in front of me, or seems easier. Next semester I start a Christian Ministries major with Youth Ministry concentration. Finally, I feel like I am in the right place. The music department at my school has taught me a lot of things, and first among them is the fact that pursuing a major in music would not take me where I want, where I need to go in order to fulfill my purpose.
It also taught me that just because you love something, you won’t automatically be good at it. My advisor actually told me: “You’re not an A musician. You’re more a high C, low B musician.” Clearly he doesn’t listen when I play electric bass. Ahem. Anyway, sometimes, we need to push to the edges of what we consider our “maximum capacity” just to see how far we can stretch them out. For so long I have gotten by doing the bare minimum, just because I knew I could. I want to poke holes in my security blanket, to let the light of new opportunities and challenges shine in. And I definitely want to do more than just exist. I know it sounds cliche, but I want a life full of, well, life. There is a vibrance and an energy in me and I want to use it to not just survive, but thrive. It's time for me to get out of the desert. I know I am capable of more than what I do in my day to day existence, and I have made it my personal mission to become the best and most alive Manders I can possibly be.
That’s it for now, I suppose. A lot has happened and a lot has changed over the past few months for me personally, but I have come out of it all feeling excited for what will come next, with a fresh determination to never, never give up.
Until next time, here's a picture of me with Darth Vader...
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