The Ballad of Captain Brandy Snifter, Hipster She-Pirate

There was a terror of the seas
That sailed so long ago
B.O. and fear on the ocean breeze
A ragtag group now years deceased
A band of pirate bros

But one bro was unlike the rest
Called Brandy Snifter, goes the claim
At pillaging, the very best
Yet all the crew yarrr’d in protest
Because she was a dame

“It’s mutiny!” she cried in rage
The day they made her walk the plank
Unwittingly they’d set the stage
[For] the pirate epic of the age
Revenge and all that jank

They pulled anchor, left her to drown
But Snifter was the rugged type
She made an oath, solemnly sworn
To bring those rotten ex-bro’s down
Soon as the time was right

I’ll get revenge whate’er the cost
Or what any savvy sea-dame’d spend
Without me I’ll bet they’ve gone soft
And not expect me to have bought
This chartreuse cardigan

But first I’ll need a crew, she thought
The sort her enemies would dread
A foul, skinny jeans-wearing lot
She followed the sound of indie rock
To Hipster Isle, where few dare tread

A plaid pied piper pirate queen
By melodica, she lured them all
Attracted by her yellow-green
They made a pledge to her, the Scene
Then jammed out to some Deadmau

Other pirates mocked the Cap’n
For her stylish hipster crew
But ere their scoffers could attack ‘em
Fake horn-rimmed glasses sent them packin’
With a shame they never knew

“You can’t beat Captain Snifter!”
“You can’t? But she’s a girl!”
“You forget the army she has with her
Boys with pants so tight they don’t zipper
And her first mate is a pineapple!”

As time passed, the chartreuse flag
Would make any sea rat’s blood run cold
Snifter had her vengeance in the bag
When her crew cried out, “This is a drag!
“And your pineapple’s been sold!

We needed to buy fake snake bites, see
Because they’re in this season
We were never meant to be
Fighters, so we’re gonna leave
An act of passive-aggressive treason.”

The poor captain was left again
Without a crew or place to go
But the pillager she should have been
Made her button up her cardigan
And sail back to her bro’s.

Chartreuse flag flown low in fear
Her ex-bros sneered, “Well look who’s back?
Another crew abandoned her
Girls weren’t meant to be pillagers!”
“It’s funny you should mention that.”

She leered until her foes stepped back
“I won’t be the one disgraced this time.”
A broadsword from her fanny pack
Brandished ‘til the sea was black
Like in that Ancient Mariner Rime

Snifter’s legend still merits fear
On certain ships whispers still sound
Even with peg-legs, she’d make you wear
Low-rise Chucks, and you’d obey her
Lest you end up underground.


Enjoy! ^_^ (kind of superfluous to put this at the bottom of a post, but there you are. And here am I. And here is an overly long parenthetical). This was originally written to fit a certain set of ramifications. This is a slightly edited version with a cleaner rhyme scheme and a Rime of the Ancient Mariner reference.